The 5 Best New England Jokes
Can you get there from here? Here’s a sampling of the best New England jokes from our archives.
By Yankee Magazine|Nov 05 2021|
A 1917 image of a Maine lobsterman. | The 5 Best New England Jokes
Photo Credit: <a href="https://flic.kr/p/of2jqp">Flickr/Internet Archive Book Images</a>New England’s regional humor mostly champions poor over wealthy, insider over outsider, common sense over intellectualism, and simplicity over ostentation. And although universal humor often depends on “the last word” concept, nowhere is this tool as effectively utilized as in New England. Enjoy a sampling of the best New England jokes from our archives.
Photo Credit : Flickr/Internet Archive Book Images
The 5 Best New England Jokes
- “Lived in this town all your life?”
Answer: “No, not yet.” - “Can you tell me how to get to Wheelock?”
Answer: “Well now, if I were going to Wheelock, I don’t believe I’d start from here.” - “Edward, you know we used to sit a lot closer together when we were courtin’.”
Answer: “I haven’t moved.” - “Nice little town — so old and quaint. Must be a lot of odd characters around here, though, right?”
Answer: “Oh yes, quite a few. You see ’em around. But they’re mostly gone after Labor Day.” - “Because I wasn’t born in New England, I realize I’ll never be a native. But since my three children were born in Putney, Vermont, aren’t they natives?”
Answer: “Well…if your cat happened to have kittens in the oven, would you call ’em biscuits?”
Now it’s your turn. Share your favorite family-friendly joke in the comment section below.
Excerpt from “’A Few Familiar Faces | (The Most-Often-Told New England Jokes),” Yankee Magazine, September 1987
SEE MORE:
An Examination of New England Phrases
75 Classic New England Foods
Swamp Yankee | New England Lexicon
A tourist walks up on the front porch af a Maine general store. He see’s a dog laying at the feet of the elderly storekeeper in a rocking chair. He asks “Does your dog bite ?”…… The storekeeper answers ” Nooooope” The tourist bends down to pat the dog and the dog bites his fingers….”I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite “…..the stotekeeper replies…” Heee doont…thaahhts not mhhy dog…”.
A driver stops at the front of the general store but there is a very large pile of snow blocking the way to get in. There is a man in a chair on the front porch. Driver says “How’d you get there?” Man says: “Born here”
Watch the Chevy Chase movie, Funny Farm.
Old Mainer sitting on his front porch when a tourist pulls up. Tourist,”Hey, Bud can you direct me to the nearest super market”? Mainer, “How did you know my name was Bud”? Tourist, “I just guessed.” Mainer, “I reckon you can guess your way to the super market then”.
Do this in a hick accent and it’ll go over great..Old Joe says to his NH neighbor sitting on the front porch “well, think it’ll stop rainin?” “Ayuch, always does!”
Ayuh. Unless, of course, you’re telling the joke to an actual crotchety old “hick” who can’t understand your approximation of the local accent.
A Texas rancher and a Maine farmer happened to meet one day, and they started talking about their spreads. The Texan said, “My ranch is so big, it takes me 3 days to drive around it.” The Mainer replied, “Yup, I know just what you mean. I had a car just like that, once.”
Out of towner, “You sure got a lot of snow this year.”
Native, “No…”
Out of towner, “No?!”
Native, “That’s last years snow”
What do you call 18 inches of new fallen snow in Maine during April? An early spring
After crossing into Vermont while traveling from New York, a tourist stops beside the road to ask a farmer, “How do get to Rutland from here? The farmer responds, “Drive down the road about 3 more miles to the next town, take a right at the General Store, then take a left to Rutland at the next road. The tourist asks, “Are you sure that’s the way to Rutland?” The farmer responds, “Mister, I’m not the one who’s lost.”
Dorothy Parker: “Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.” President Calvin Coolidge: “You lose.”
Why do they call it Indian Summa?…..the heat is in tents!
My favorite tourist question – “Is Lake Winnepesaukee man-ma ade?” Ànswers (àfterthought) No, woman made. Or – They made a big dirt pile and we call it Mount Washington
A city feller is driving up in Vermont and comes to a fork in the road. One sign says “Burlington 50 miles.” The other says “Burlington 49 miles.” He gets out and goes over to a farmer cutting hay in a field and asks, “Does it make any difference which of these roads I take to Burlington?” The farmer says, “Not to me it don’t.”
One year the rains were so bad it changed the course of the Connecticut River. A Vermont county agent drives up to Elmer’s place and tells him, “Elmer, I’m sorry to tell you this but because the river changed course your farm is now in New Hampshire. “That’s fine with me,” sez Elmer, “I was gettin’ sick of them Vermont winters.”
A farmer lying on his death bed received a visit from his pastor. After a brief conversation the pastor said “Shall we pray?” “Suit y’self.” replied the farmer.
All I want to know is where is it! Pawtucket!
Rhode Island!
…that ain’t my dog. I almost choked on that one. Have you ever noticed that New England jokes often have the tourists as the victims. I’m visiting Maine (from PA) in September and will do my best to avoid being the next.
A tourist walks up to a local in downtown Camden and asks, “Does this road go to Bangor?” Local replies, “No, Sir, this road stays right where it is.”
City slicker stops at last general store for supplies before heading into the woods for a winter alone in northern New England…When asked, one of the locals suggests a particularly heavy duty chain saw so c slicker could cut wood to heat cabin….Sure enough come spring, slicker stops at same general store on way outta woods and same locals still there…So they asked, “How’d that chain saw for you?” “OK,” came the reply, ” but awful lotta work to use…” “Really?” was the general response. “Let’s see”…Local starts up chain saw and the city slicker asks, “What’s that noise?!”….
How many Vermonters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three – one to change it and two to argue over why the old one was better.
I enjoyed all of these. I am a yankee through and through, but can’t seem to get back there…….and boy do I miss it.
“Henry and I will be motoring to California in the summer.” “How exciting! What route will you be taking?” “We’re going by way of Dedham.”
A New York tourist drove into a sleepy Maine town. He pulled over in front of two men sitting on a bench. “How long’s this town been dead?” he asked. The reply: “Couldn’t be too long, you’re the first buzzard we’ve seen.”
I laughed to hard I got tears in my eyes.
Hilarious!
QQuestion: “How many people are dead in that cemetery.” Answer: “All of them.”
An old joke but the next is true: My Dad used to drive bus for a summer camp in the Berkshires that catered to New York City youngsters. They were driving past our local cemetery, and my Dad had just asked the group that riddle, when from behind one of the stones, our cemetery caretaker who was behind one monument eating his lunch, peered around and waved at the campers. The bus load was delighted!
Cemeteries, a place where people,are just dying to get,into
My favorite is a NH exclusive. A reporter asks a farmer what he thinks about Candidate X for President. The farmer replies, “Can’t really say — only met the man four times.”
Old New Yorker cartoon: two New Englanders on porch of general store. One says to t’other: “That’s the third out-of-state car I’ve seen this week. Must be time to oil the roads.”
And: Couple of summer people stop their car and approach a man in a nearby field: “Could you tell us how to find [Bill Blunt]? Man (after some thought): “What’d ye want ‘im fer?” Couple: “We’re looking for a builder, and we were told he’s good.” Man (after even longer consideration): “I be he.”
I love it I’ve always loved Yankee
Tourist asks, “How do I get to St. Johnsbury?” Local says, “Don’t you move one damned inch.”
A lobsterman’s mother-in-law — falls overboard from his boat in rough seas. An extensive search is launched to no avail. Finally, her body washes up on shore weeks later, with a dozen lobsters attached.
Her daughter asks the group surrounding her mother what should she do with her. Another lobsterman in the gathering offers his opinion… ”I’d set her again.”
LOL
Answer to #2: Can’t get theya from heah.
From Maine humorist Joe Perham: Old mostly deaf fella with an ear trumpet is being introduced to a politician. “I want to introduce you to the next Senator from the great State of Maine!” Old guy says, “I don’t trust politicians!” “You can trust this one! He’s the son of a bishop!” Old fellas replies, “They all are!”
person #1) Had to shoot my dog yesterday.
person #2) Was he mad?
person #1) Well, he sure wasn’t happy about it.
Haven’t received my Yankee Magazine yet !! STILL waiting
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Great fun and good memories…
Thanx.
Two old men are talking. One says, “So…I hear you buried your wife.” The other replies, “Oh, I had to. She died.”
Loved them all, thanks for the chuckles.
First Old Mainer: I had to shoot my dog yesterday.
Second Old Mainer: Was he mad?
First Old Mainer: Well, he sure wasn’t happy about it.
When we were kids, my Dad took my brother and me on a motor boat ride near Portage Lake, ME where we were having a family reunion at the old camp. The boat owner zipped us around submerged rocks, little clusters of stuff sticking up our of the water, and safely back. My Dad said, “Wow! You must know where all the rocks in this lake are!!” The Mainer replied, “Nope — know where they ain’t.”
A distress call comes in to Pierre at the Maine coast guard: “mayday mayday. We’re 12 miles out on a capsized boat.”
“no can do” Pierre said, “We’ve got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats.”
A big Cadillac drives up to the general store in Maine. The guy from away asks “How the hell do you get to Portland??” The old fellow on the porch replies “Usually my brother in law takes me.”
City slicker to Old Timer:
“Hey old timer, there’s a sign at the fork in the road and it says to get to White River Junction go left and there’s another that says to get to White River Junction go right. Does it make any difference which one I take?”
Old Timer to City Slicker:
“Not to me it don’t”