The Woodpile Personality Test | Only in New England

What’s your woodpile style? The experts at Yankee’s research center for advanced wood studies developed this test to help you find out.

TAKE THE WOODPILE PERSONALITY TEST

1. The logs in your pile:A. are exactly the same size and length, as measured by a micrometer B. are more or less the same length C. include a wide variety of lengths and sizes D. include several pieces that resemble the creature from Alien, only scarier 2. When it comes to sorting wood, you:A. separate maple, ash, birch, and oak because they burn differently, of course B. put hardwood at one end, kindling at the other C. try to keep the dry wood and green wood apart D. couldn’t tell a birch log from a fencepost 3. To achieve perfectly dried logs, you:A. turn them regularly, like bottles of fine wine B. try to leave some room for air to flow around them C. replace the tarp every time it blows off D. put green logs next to the stove and hope 4. You locate your woodpile:A. atop a knoll with ideal exposure to sun and good air circulation B. within a 10-minute shovel of the house C. on your deck D. so close to the back door you don’t have to take your slippers off to grab a log 5. To make your woodpile fall over would require:A. a direct nuclear hit B. an earthquake C. a stiff wind from the nor’east D. the vibration from slamming the porch door 6. What title best describes your relationship to your woodpile?A. Magnificent Obsession B. Pride and Prejudice C. Love’s Labour’s Lost D. The Comedy of Errors   GET YOUR SCORE For every A give yourself 4 points. For every B give yourself 3 points. For every C give yourself 2 points. For every D give yourself 1 point. KNOW YOUR WOODPILE PROFILE The Natural (4–6 points) This is the lazy man’s woodpile, which the owner (typically an English major in college) appre­ciates for the “intrinsic beauty of its casual yet organic design.” Only slightly tidier than the average beaver lodge, it does have the advantage of being easy to create: “Dump it there.” The Shedmund Fitzgerald (7–9 points) Listing slightly to port, this impromptu wood shelter is constructed from a top (generally a corrugated roofing panel) and one or more sides, which afford about as much protection from the elements as a Frederick’s of Hollywood negligée. The Open-Ended-Question Pile (10–12 points) This liberal-minded woodpile is “cobbed” (with alternating layers in opposite directions) at only one end. The other end trails away like a conversation with no real conclusion. This design is considered cheating by woodpile aficionados (16 points or more), for whom the Double-Cobbed Pile, stabilized at both ends, is a sacrament. The Critter Condo  (13–15 points) Depending on the location and the local fauna, a woodpile can easily become a haven for chipmunks, mice, snakes, and the occasional skunk. This is the perfect pile for those who like to combine a little adventure with their home heating. Fort Knots (16–18 points) This one is less a woodpile than a security blanket. For the person who builds it, wood is like money in the bank: You can never have too much. For them, actually burning the wood is like taking money out of the bank, so they do it as little as possible, to the dismay of the shivering people they live with. Maple Manor (19–21 points) The Taj Mahal of sheds, this edifice is larger than most single-family homes and more comfortable than the average recreational vehicle. Before gaining admission to this 5-star wood palace, all logs must meet strict guidelines for length, shape, and quality. The Masterpiece (22–24 points) More a work of art than an actual woodpile, these magnum opi are created by folks who a) have a lot of time on their hands or b) are independently wealthy and don’t really burn wood. Arranged as beehives, towers, arches, or images of the grandchildren, they’re great for photographing, not so great for heating a big old house. Are you going to be the first person to remove a log and ruin the design? I don’t think so.